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Fifty Shades of Redacted
Trevor Noah was on hiatus last week, which means Monday’s “Daily Show” was his first chance to weigh in on the Mueller report — which, he noted, has been in the works for two years.
“You do realize the Mueller investigation has lasted longer than most of the people in the Trump administration, right? Yeah, this thing has been around for about 70 Scaramuccis. That’s a long time.” — TREVOR NOAH
Noah poked fun at how the general public voraciously tore through all 448 pages, complete with footnotes and despite massive redactions.
“This was a government report and we were all treating it like a ‘Fifty Shades’ meets ‘Harry Potter’ crossover, which, by the way, I’ve also read.” — TREVOR NOAH
“This document was covered in so much ink it looked like Adam Levine’s torso. Like one of the pages had nipples.” — TREVOR NOAH
He also pointed out that President Trump seemed to have forgotten many things that happened only a year ago, answering with variations on “I do not recall” or “I do not remember” 37 times during questioning. Noah then ran a clip of Trump’s chastising Christine Blasey Ford for not being able to answer every detail from 30 years prior during an alleged assault by Brett Kavanaugh, now a Supreme Court justice.
“See? This proves my theory: Everything Trump says about women is actually true about himself. He’s always making things up, he’s overly emotional and, most of all, he’s the one with the great boobs.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Songs of Angry Men
While the Mueller investigation has taken over most of the American news media, international news has offered more fodder for the few hosts on duty this week (Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Seth Meyers and James Corden are all off until next Monday). Conan O’Brien took a personal professional interest, he said, in Volodymyr Zelensky, a stand-up comedian who was just elected president of Ukraine.
“That’s right: He’s president of Ukraine, he’s a comedian, he’s already sold his inaugural address as a one-hour Netflix special. I looked up their Constitution: The order of succession in Ukraine goes comedian, juggler, magician, then secretary of defense. That’s how it works. After hearing about it, Elizabeth Warren signed up for improv classes.” — CONAN O’BRIEN
In France, Noah said, Yellow Vest protesters fighting against economic inequality are angry about the millions of dollars donated toward the rebuilding of Notre-Dame after its devastating fire.
“The ‘Les Misérables’ of France are pissed off and that’s not a good thing, because the last time that happened we had to listen to Russell Crowe sing. That’s why they invented the guillotine in France in the first place.” — TREVOR NOAH, referring to the 2012 film version of the musical drama