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“China has just announced they will no longer buy any agricultural products from the United States, meaning Trump’s policies could now cost American farmers billions of dollars. I know what you’re thinking — the master negotiator strikes again!” — JAMES CORDEN
“It’s tanking the markets, it’s straining diplomatic relations and, in fact, yesterday, when I opened a fortune cookie, it just read, ‘Sup, [expletive]? Here’s your lucky numbers.’” — TREVOR NOAH
“I mean, getting rid of corn — that part’s going to be easy because every Democrat running for president eats two ears of corn at the Iowa State Fair. And if my calculations are correct, that’s about 10 million. How many people are running? It works out.” — TREVOR NOAH
“The other vegetables will be harder. I think we might need Oprah back. She can move some products. Just have her come out: ‘You know what my favorite thing is? Soybeans!’ And everyone will be like, ‘I love soybeans!’” — TREVOR NOAH
“Thanks to our trade war with China, stocks have been up and down, and I saw that Apple lost almost $50 billion. Then every customer with a missing AirPod was like, ‘Sucks losing something, doesn’t it?’” — JIMMY FALLON
“China is no longer buying from American farmers, so be sure to do your part to help out. At the farmer’s market this weekend, pick up a couple of extra tomatoes and maybe an extra two million pounds of soybeans.” — JAMES CORDEN
“As you know, this all comes as a response to President Trump recently increasing tariffs on Chinese goods. I’m not an economist, but I think it’s because someone’s a bit jealous of someone else’s wall.” — JAMES CORDEN