Stephen Colbert Calls Out Long Shot Presidential Candidates

“Because, because nobody — nobody’s ever looked at Jeffrey Epstein and been like, ‘Yeah, we need 20 million more of this guy.’ Yeah, like, how come Idris Elba doesn’t have a sex ranch, huh?” — TREVOR NOAH

“You know what? If Jeffrey Epstein wants to cut off his head and his penis and have them frozen, I say give the man what he wants. I mean who are we? Who? Who are we to stand in the way of this man’s dream?” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“‘Penis was also an option?’ yelled Walt Disney.” — SETH MEYERS

“The election is still 16 months away, you have to have a lot of people at first, right? It’s like sea turtles hatching on a beach, O.K.? Lots of birds circling overhead but there are thousands of them, one of them has to make it to the water. Plus, it’s going to be so fun to watch those birds drag off Bill de Blasio.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Best case for Bill de Blasio, he wins one of the debates. Worst case, he misses the debate because he is stuck on the F train.” — SETH MEYERS

“Next up, Marianne Williamson. Best case, she gets a boost in her book sales. Worst case, she becomes president of the United States of America.” — SETH MEYERS

“Yesterday, Ryan’s campaign tweeted out a new campaign motto, ‘You don’t have to yell.’ Congressman Ryan, you don’t have to run.” — STEPHEN COLBERT, referring to Tim Ryan, an Ohio representative

“If you go to Ryan’s website you can even get a ‘You don’t have to yell’ sticker. Orders ship within seven business days, so order now and get yours the day after he drops out.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“We just learned that Jon Bon Jovi will host a Cory Booker fund-raiser at his Hamptons home. Makes sense, makes sense. After all, Booker’s campaign is living on a prayer. And Booker really needs that fund-raiser because since he is polling below 2 percent, he’s not even halfway there.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Unfortunately, another difference between Andrew Yang and Donald Trump is that people know who Donald Trump is.” — JAMES CORDEN

Desus and Mero, a.k.a. “the Bodega Boys,” gave their guests Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper their very own nickname: “the Whole Foods Boys.”

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